The first time I went public with Parkinson’s, my bladder made the announcement. I have not talked about Kappa Light Chain Deposition Disease. It’s the enemy within. It’s the cancer that will likely kill me.
Consider this the follow-up nobody asked for. You’re welcome.
For several days, I lived inside the kind of pain that hollows you out. Not just physical pain, though that was real enough, but the accumulated weight of years of being managed into silence. Then one morning, steadied by rest and a small mercy of pharmacology, I made a decision. I reached out to my supervisor and contacted a VP directly. I handed them a log of everything that had happened since January 1984.
Could I be fired? Yes. Likely? Probably not. But something shifted the moment I sent that message: my supervisors no longer controlled the narrative. And with that shift came a question I could not stop turning over in my mind.
Would a spiritual person — a Buddhist, a Christian, a person genuinely trying to live with compassion — have done what I did? I have been sitting with that question. Here is what I have found.
I am tired, but my body refuses to die. It’s the constant hum of pain. Living in a body that constantly hurts is an exhausting experience. It’s not just the sharp, stabbing moments or the dull, throbbing aches; it’s the constant, low-grade hum of pain that fills every quiet moment. It’s the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix, a deep-seated weariness that seeps into your bones and colors every thought.
Breaking News: CNN’s ticker blared, “US military ordering thousands more troops to southern border.” Unnamed officials confirmed that thousands of additional active-duty troops are being deployed to the southern US border with Mexico. The stated purpose: to support Homeland Security and Border Patrol operations. Speculation is swirling about whether this move ties into Texas’ construction of an 80-acre facility outside Eagle Pass, rumored to be a deportation or detention camp. Official confirmation on the facility’s purpose remains elusive.
In an NPR interview, Eagle Pass resident Jessie Fuentes criticized Texas Governor Greg Abbott for creating what she called his own immigration force and court system. “Why are we allowing this to happen? Why are we allowing our governor to become a dictator and authoritarian in enforcing immigration policy?” Fuentes asked.
It was only a matter of time: The President issued a sweeping wave of commutations and a blanket pardon that absolved all the January 6 rioters, effectively undoing what many considered the most extensive criminal investigation in U.S. history. Defending his decision, Trump claimed the pardons were warranted, arguing that individuals committing violent crimes in other cities often go unpunished. He stated that he showed compassion to those whom authorities had improperly treated, insisting, “Their lives were destroyed.”
But what of the lives lost?
When cancer weaves its way into one’s life, the impacts can be significant. After working in the health car business for 23 years, I was neglectful of my health. I change my perspective after a cranky heart let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am a piss-poor model for proactive healthcare advocate. I scheduled a quick trip to Tucson, AZ, to assist my mother with some financial matters. The journey from Ohare International to Tucson Internal began with hastily packing on Friday. I went to the American Airlines terminal at Ohare, would spend several hours flying, and get dumped off in Tucson. My mother would pick me; I’d deal with some financial matters, complete her 2023 taxes, laugh and joke for a few days, and return to Chicago.
Everything was on track until I went to use Ohare’s Admirals Club. There was no issue with getting in. “Club Card, Mr. UB?” I swiped, and I heard the ‘beep’. In I went. Did I notice the shoulder blade pain from left to right, then right to left while walking the terminal? Sure. It’s the same pain I experienced hundreds of times. ‘Attributed to osteoarthritis’ or ‘no problems now,’ my doctors would always claim. I decided to enter the bathroom. The stall was spacious and clean. The left side chest pain was immediate and sudden. Usually, when such pain occurs, the pain lasts five seconds at most. It didn’t.
Television is a vast pornographic wasteland of scam health products. I received free samples of Balance of Nature, green seaweed tablets from Asia, and other supposed natural health items. Forbes reviewed Balance of Nature, noting that it has received warnings from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) of unverified health claims. I also received an article (and subsequent invitation) to attend a consultation with a Missouri practitioner who provides stem cells. I declined the offer after noting that state investigators once determined the clinician’s cell-based regenerative medicine diagnosed and treated bogus illnesses and repeatedly ordered unnecessary and excessive lab tests. However, the truth is I want to die.
