Pain is swallowing my body. Walking 250 steps or more brings extreme tightness in the groins both of both legs and lower calves. To that, former WGN radio host Al Lerner would commically retort, ‘a groin is a terrible thing to pull.’ Spasms crept into my right bicep, forearm, through to my fingers, and radiates significant pain when lifting anything above the shoulder. Through it all, I keep reading previous posts on ‘What’s a good life’ and asking myself, “Am I living it?” That exchange is often followed by remembering something from my past, usually negative, and trying to mentally reconcile that person looking back through the mirror.
Category: Life Lessons
Ted Cruz had a ‘cow.’ Again. m the Dad of two young daughters,” During a recent appearance on a conservative podcast, Ted, ‘Get out of Texas,’ Cruz,’ waded into the waters of controversy over a “child-like crayon drawing” map that may be or may not be an endorsement of some weird controversial “nine-dash line,” depending on whom you ask. And fuzz face isn’t the only one. The Vietnamese government banned the release of Barbie. The Chinese government and the Philippines killed Barbie as well. But back to Barbie for a moment.
Attacking a film like Barbie isn’t new. In 2021, Cruz accused Big Bird (Sesame Street) of promoting government propaganda. Cruz once claimed Disney would eventually show “Mickey and Pluto going at it” and got so fixated on some anti-racist children’s books that he fueled sales. And, of course, he launched an investigation into Bud Light over a can of beer earlier this year, as in one can of beer.
To this, Christ said, “What the hell?” and provided commentary.
Work, exhaustion, movement. Work, exhaustion, movement. If someone asked about my life’s cycle, that would be it: ‘work, exhaustion, movement.’ It’s no epic mystery. And at the end of the day, most cancer patients probably believe few know their cycle or the actual intricacies of living day-to-day or existence. There’s no magic. There’s no spark. No one knows what it’s like to sit in some poorly designed cancer waiting room and have some clinician take away the last remnants of their life.
Following a Thursday afternoon meeting, an attempt to stand proved futile as my legs refused to cooperate. The simple act of rising from a chair seemed impossible, as every muscle in my lower body had become inexplicably rigid. I sat in the room as everyone signed off Microsoft Teams and pretended to fiddle with my phone.
Living with multiple myeloma presents many challenges that are not immediately visible to the naked eye. Living with Multiple Myeloma means grappling with the uncertainty of how the disease will manifest itself. One of the less-discussed consequences of this condition is the potential impairment of muscle function. These symptoms can significantly impact daily activities and overall quality of life, from sudden weakness and stiffness to decreased range of motion.
Though not a doctor, I frequently saw myself as if I was looking at someone else until the pain or exhaustion overwhelmed me. The fatigue is persistent, and exhaustion finds me during the day, even after a good night’s sleep. Fatigue can start first thing in the morning upon waking, and sometimes I am so tired that I want to stay in bed.
I never received a lot of affirmation as a kid. I remember myself as the fifth fiddle in a two-fiddle band. Now, even as my body deteriorates, I cling to the role of a healthcare technology professional as a critical source of self-esteem. It’s not an attempt to make up for childhood. Instead, I find the satisfaction of providing quality services worthy, even if such services remain in the background.
In this sense, patients continually wrestle with mortality, suffering, and pain. I wrestle with a sense of who I am and what I could become. However, like the guy searching for meaning and the one screaming in fear, answers are personal. One’s response isn’t to another. The days of pain that sporadically occurred have combined to plaster my bones relentlessly. Only then, I realize how exhausted I am.
The Band of Brothers episode, Why We Fight, is a testament to the bravery of our past. Yet, with time to reflect, some soldiers wonder if the fight was worth the number of lives lost. Then Americans encounter the Kaufering IV concentration camp. Liebgott asks, “Was is das hier? [Why are you here?].” Turning to Winters, Liebgott states, “He says it’s a work camp for, uh, unerwuenschter. I’mI’m not sure what the word means, sir, uh, unwanted, disliked, maybe? Further clarifying, “No. Actors, musicians, tailors, clerks, farmers, and intellectuals. Ordinary people.” Yes, the episode is a powerful reminder of American bravery, but it’s a lesson to guide our future.
A friend knocked at my door and dropped off a bottle of seaweed pills. “It will fix metabolism and fight cancer.” Of course, I accepted the offer unconditionally. After some small talk, I shut the door and tossed them on the counter behind my toaster with the other worthless crap I received. I don’t take ‘magic’ supplements because they don’t work. And technically, it’s hard to do something when there’s a lack of faith. Supplements do not make you invincible.
Since May 5th, there have been 25 mass shootings. In total, 96 injuries and 23 deaths. None made the national news. Yet, between May 5th and now, some have responded that this blog site even went there — as if I sided with one political platform. (That would be pro-gun control.) But unfortunately, I don’t think there’s one unique solution or approach to gun violence. It’s pure fantasy to believe that minimal gun regulation threatens to take away every gun. And, just like we’ve seen across America, it’s an utter fantasy to think arming teachers and abolishing gun-free zones is the reasonable response to gun violence.
Facts no longer matter. Nor do values shared with politicians advocating prayer. The NRA, and a majority of GOP Republican politicians, never apologize, never back down. God knows that offering prayer to God for something we can impact ourselves is pointless. We’ve done little. So, why should God?
Watching the ‘Trump Shit Show’ (i.e., CNN Town Hall) was so ugly it would have to improve to be ranked as awful. “The hatred unleashed in 2016 will take 20 years to correct,” I told a friend some years ago. “It will take at least tens for Americans to figure it out and another ten years to fix it.” Pausing for a moment, “If we figure it out.”