Category: Faith & Doubt


The other day, a quiet voice broke through the noise of the day’s tasks. It didn’t arrive with the clamor of a corporate directive. It surfaced the way real things do, slowly, in a gap between one meeting and the next. At 66, you look at the horizon differently. Time has changed its denomination. And yet there I was. Still tethered to the daily machinery of business goals and outcomes. Still trying to earn my badge while simultaneously exiting the gate.

The nudge asked four questions: Why do you work? Are you working because you have to? Do you work to help yourself? How does your work help others? And then the one that made me set down my coffee: Which question are you?

I remember a Hallmark film I’d stumbled upon, Stranded in Paradise. The film centers on a recently fired HR executive who travels to Puerto Rico to salvage her career at a convention, only to be marooned by a hurricane and faces an unexpected reckoning. The real question, buried beneath the romance and palm trees, was disarmingly simple: Are you happy? Or are you employed just to be employed?

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Someone asked a question recently that I haven’t been able to shake.

“Is the clarity you have—the way you hold things—is that the illness teaching you? The Buddhist philosophy? Or just God quietly doing what God does?”

I sat with that for a while. Which, for the record, is one of the few things Parkinson’s has genuinely improved. I sit with things now. Mostly because getting up requires a strategic plan, advance notice, and occasionally a spotter. But the question deserved more than a clever deflection. The honest answer is: I don’t know.

I’ve lived long enough to understand that “I don’t know” is not an admission of failure. It’s usually where the interesting stuff lives.

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There is a kind of disorientation that comes with outliving people who were supposed to outlive you.

I live with a serious illness. For years, the implicit social contract has been clear, if unspoken: I am the one being cared for. I am the fragile one. I am the variable in other people’s lives. I am the reason I have a medical case manager, an adjusted schedule for living, and a ‘what if’ contingency plan.

Strangely, mortality has a logic to it. The ill go before the well. The old before the young. That is the order of things. Mortality is simplistic, except, of course, when it isn’t.

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Nobody warned me that 66 was the year my body would take a good hard look at my life choices, print out a PowerPoint presentation, and schedule a mandatory all-hands meeting. No agenda. No RSVP. Just a pop-up calendar invite that said: ‘Your body requests your immediate and undivided attention.’

I didn’t RSVP. My right foot showed up anyway.

It started subtly. I went to pivot left — a perfectly normal human maneuver I’ve executed maybe a hundred thousand times — and my right foot looked at me like I’d asked it to speak Mandarin. It dragged. Across the floor. Like a disgruntled coworker who just found out they’re not getting a raise. My foot staged a small but unmistakable protest, and I went down.

I didn’t fall. I performed an unscheduled relationship check with the floor. It went poorly.

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I woke up this morning to find that both of my ankles had apparently convened an overnight meeting — without me — and decided to stage a slow-motion protest. Not painful, exactly. Just wrong. Not right, in that maddening way where you cannot even properly complain about it because there is no word for the sensation of joints that feel like they have been partially replaced with wet sand.

The knees held their own grievance session last night, especially on the stairs. And so here I am, making my best impression of a fully functional human being, having negotiated with my own body just to get to the coffee maker.

If you have ever thought to yourself, I did not sign up for this shit. Well, welcome. Pull up a chair. Mine is the one with the good armrests for getting up from.

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People often ask what it’s like living with the unknown. Truth told, this morning started exactly where last night left off.

Brain fog.

It’s not romantic. You know, that Hollywood mysterious scene in movies where the protagonist stares pensively out a rain-soaked window and see the person forever adored. No. This is the kind where you open your eyes and your first genuine, unfiltered thought is, “Why the fuck did I wake up?” Then, looking at the ceiling, “What the hell God?”

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The first time I went public with Parkinson’s, my bladder made the announcement. I have not talked about Kappa Light Chain Deposition Disease. It’s the enemy within. It’s the cancer that will likely kill me.

Consider this the follow-up nobody asked for. You’re welcome.

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I had planned to tell people on my own terms. I had a whole timeline. There would be a right moment, a considered conversation, perhaps a tasteful announcement. I would control the narrative.

Instead, my bladder did it for me.

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For several days, I lived inside the kind of pain that hollows you out. Not just physical pain, though that was real enough, but the accumulated weight of years of being managed into silence. Then one morning, steadied by rest and a small mercy of pharmacology, I made a decision. I reached out to my supervisor and contacted a VP directly. I handed them a log of everything that had happened since January 1984.

Could I be fired? Yes. Likely? Probably not. But something shifted the moment I sent that message: my supervisors no longer controlled the narrative. And with that shift came a question I could not stop turning over in my mind.

Would a spiritual person — a Buddhist, a Christian, a person genuinely trying to live with compassion — have done what I did? I have been sitting with that question. Here is what I have found.

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A few weeks ago, I read a column by Virginia DeLuca. At sixty, her husband told her he wanted a divorce so he could have a child with a younger woman. As she wondered aloud about reentering the dating world at sixty, she dropped a line that made me laugh—and then stop. In essence, DeLuca stated, “… I had more past than future.” Her comment hit home. “Yes,” I whispered following along, “… there are more days behind than ahead.” DeLuca was spot on. It was funny. Classic. Clean. No melodrama. Just a raised eyebrow of truth. And once you hear a sentence like that, you can’t unhear it.

At a certain point in life, time stops feeling theoretical. It becomes visible. Finite. You’re not morbid about it. You’re just… honest. The future is no longer an open field; it’s a defined stretch of road. Still meaningful. Still real. But no longer infinite. I say all this because I’ve been waking up between 1:30 and 3:30 in the morning for years now. Not from anxiety, exactly. Not always from pain. Just awake. It’s the time when the mind is stripped of daytime defenses and the body refuses to lie. It’s also the period that time asks questions.

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