Category: Life Lessons


Less than two weeks to November 5th, our national Election Day. If you’re a hardy soul, you listened to stories of immigrants eating pets in Springfield, Ohio, the dehumanization of one candidate or another, the dehumanization of deceased Veterans, a candidate dancing for 39 minutes, rambling, word salads, more rambling, candidates with likely dementia if not Alzhimer’s symptoms, tariffs, former administrative staffs calling out their boss(s), horror stories from the front lines Roe V. Wade, ‘drill baby drill,’ racism, radical left, radical right, racism, socialism, nationalism, nepotism, no-bism’s, slipped-ism’s, left-out-ism’s, toilet-ism’s and genitalia. What we didn’t hear was answers to complex questions.  

Here are the questions I wished candidates answered.

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Less than two weeks to November 5th, election day, and polls are nearly dead even. If you’re undecided, flip a coin, toss cards into a hat with the winner taking two of three, or use a crystal ball and gaze for affirmation. You could receive counsel from Lee Greenwood (the Trumpian Bible made in China) or listen to Emime. One could read tea leaves, listen to the wind, or study astrological skies. We could roll dice, cast lots, pray, analyze ancient scripture, or beg karma for wisdom. However, God left it to us, and why it’s this close is beyond me.

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The vehicle for my mother’s lease was ending, so the big task for February 12th was to visit the Honda dealer. After several hours of weighing the pros and cons, she purchased her current Civic HR-V. The night had already swallowed the remaining daylight, and we decided to have dinner at the International House of Pancakes (IHOP). After receiving our meal, we sat in the corner booth, and she asked for details about Light Chain Deposition Disease (LCDD). It wasn’t the conversation I thought about having at an IHOP over scrambled eggs, but I provided high-level information about LCDD, testing, and symptoms. “Well, hopefully, they’ll eradicate it from you this year.”

“Mom, I am terminal. It’s unclear when, maybe in 6 months or maybe ten years, but unless some miracle pops on the horizon, LCDD will likely end my life. Doctors hope to keep my body at its current level of dysfunction.”

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A Cranky Heart

When cancer weaves its way into one’s life, the impacts can be significant. After working in the health car business for 23 years, I was neglectful of my health. I change my perspective after a cranky heart let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am a piss-poor model for proactive healthcare advocate. I scheduled a quick trip to Tucson, AZ, to assist my mother with some financial matters. The journey from Ohare International to Tucson Internal began with hastily packing on Friday. I went to the American Airlines terminal at Ohare, would spend several hours flying, and get dumped off in Tucson. My mother would pick me; I’d deal with some financial matters, complete her 2023 taxes, laugh and joke for a few days, and return to Chicago.

Everything was on track until I went to use Ohare’s Admirals Club. There was no issue with getting in. “Club Card, Mr. UB?” I swiped, and I heard the ‘beep’. In I went. Did I notice the shoulder blade pain from left to right, then right to left while walking the terminal? Sure. It’s the same pain I experienced hundreds of times. ‘Attributed to osteoarthritis’ or ‘no problems now,’ my doctors would always claim. I decided to enter the bathroom. The stall was spacious and clean. The left side chest pain was immediate and sudden. Usually, when such pain occurs, the pain lasts five seconds at most. It didn’t.

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Television is a vast pornographic wasteland of scam health products. I received free samples of Balance of Nature, green seaweed tablets from Asia, and other supposed natural health items. Forbes reviewed Balance of Nature, noting that it has received warnings from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) of unverified health claims. I also received an article (and subsequent invitation) to attend a consultation with a Missouri practitioner who provides stem cells. I declined the offer after noting that state investigators once determined the clinician’s cell-based regenerative medicine diagnosed and treated bogus illnesses and repeatedly ordered unnecessary and excessive lab tests. However, the truth is I want to die. 

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Telling My Mother

Just before Christmas of 2023, I told my mother that I had a life-threatening disease with no known cure. I provided all the sordid details: how I did quite a bit of internet searching. Yeah, sure, I self-diagnosed myself with everything from work-related fatigue to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, long-COVID, and finally, progressive supranuclear palsy. I researched close to twenty different diseases. But at the end of the day, the only thing that fits (at least for now) is Light Chain Deposition Disease (LCDD) or AL Amyloidosis. I took her through all the appointments, all the tests, and all my frustrations. I skipped the part about survival: from 1 month to 10 years. I mean, hell if I know.

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72 Days

November 13, 2023, seems like forever. [Between then and now] That’s 72 days. That’s two months and 11 days (seventy-two days) since my last post. The time variance seems like forever. Or, borrowing from David Whyte’s Heart Aroused, I turned my head for only a moment, and it appeared forever. I missed my Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve posts. It’s been a hectic 72 days. 

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Pushing Through

I don’t think about overcoming cancer. I can’t. Multiple Myeloma is undefeatable. Most days, one can hardly recognize that I fight past overwhelming fatigue and nausea. I do it because I have no choice. I am just an average Information Technology worker trying to make it until 65 when federal healthcare benefits become available. I could work from home, but I chose to push myself. The question therein is, “Why?”

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Crazy

I spent several hours in the hospital yesterday. It wasn’t business; it was personal. Stomach and colon pain swallowed my life a little after noon. I could barely breathe, sit, lay down, or walk. Sweat rolled down my face and soaked my clothes. The strange part, I drove myself to the hospital. Afterward, I drove back home. I must be crazy.

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Like a Rock

Year three of this bullshit, and I am still alive. I was supposed to die a year back, but nope. I keep thinking of some lowly spiritual angel who dropped a wrench into the bicycle wheel of my life. And, “Bam.” The Unknown Buddhist is stuck on a plateau until the spokes get repaired. Thus, you meander through the days of repetitive medical cycles, poor humanistic skills of physicians, and just a lack of support.

This post is not about the Israeli-Gaza War. Neither is this about the Ukraine-Russia war. While both wars are significant, I focused on other crises. My life got sucked into a tangled in a trove of medical ups and downs, one damn appointment after another, and many that offered no value. At the end of several months, I’ve burned out my insurance HSA and wonder if this is what dying feels like. It’s the loneliness. The patient deals with it alone. And sometimes, the lack of humanity is spiritually painful.

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