Tag Archive: God’s Love


I have conclude God has a sense of humor.

Not a ha-ha humor. Not a sitcom laugh track humor. More like the kind of humor where He leans back, folds His arms, looks at the angels and says, “Watch this.

I have trouble kneeling. Can’t walk very far and use a wheelchair. My fingers tremble like an addict overdosing on caffeine. My hands ache. Spine aches. Knees ache. Got cancer. Still have cancer. Have Parkinson’s. And my right foot, who went to sleep perfectly fine on January 16th, tendered its resignation on the 17th. “Dude, not working today. And by the way, not sure when I’m returning.” Trust me, this stuff was never on my childhood vision board.

Meanwhile, my persistently aloof brother jogs five miles every day.

Five. Fucking. Miles.

Every. Day.

No limp. No wheelchair. No mysterious clicking noises when standing. He casually hints winning the health lottery as though one might casually say, “Oh, I built an entire home at work today and grabbed a case of beer on the way home. What one?” I’m not saying I resent him—but if I were God, I would at least have given matching symptoms, if not in fairness, but for symmetry. I often think of what happened on the assembly line. You might presume the system would distribute aches and pains evenly. Heck, you might even believe there’d be a cosmic spreadsheet (with pivot table): “Okay, this guy gets bad knees, that one gets shaky fingers, and so on. Everyone gets something.” Nope.

For some? Sampler Platter.

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The assassination attempt of former President Trump in Butler, PA., several days ago was appalling. No one should use a weapon to eliminate candidates. Also, no one should use the justice department to arrest their political opponents to win a presidential election. Gun violence in America is way out of control. However, witnessing Senator Tim Scott debasing himself on national television, calling Trump’s survival a gift from God, was equally appalling.

House Speaker Mike Johnson also opined, “GOD protected President Trump yesterday.” The Evangelical minister Franklin Graham told Fox News that “God’s hand of protection” was on Trump. Trump claimed in a fundraising email that “it was God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening.” (Not so for Corey Comperatore, who was shot in the head while protecting his family in the grandstands.)

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Crazy

I spent several hours in the hospital yesterday. It wasn’t business; it was personal. Stomach and colon pain swallowed my life a little after noon. I could barely breathe, sit, lay down, or walk. Sweat rolled down my face and soaked my clothes. The strange part, I drove myself to the hospital. Afterward, I drove back home. I must be crazy.

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2:36 AM

Pain is swallowing my body. Walking 250 steps or more brings extreme tightness in the groins both of both legs and lower calves. To that, former WGN radio host Al Lerner would commically retort, ‘a groin is a terrible thing to pull.’ Spasms crept into my right bicep, forearm, through to my fingers, and radiates significant pain when lifting anything above the shoulder. Through it all, I keep reading previous posts on ‘What’s a good life’ and asking myself, “Am I living it?” That exchange is often followed by remembering something from my past, usually negative, and trying to mentally reconcile that person looking back through the mirror.

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The Band of Brothers episode, Why We Fight, is a testament to the bravery of our past. Yet, with time to reflect, some soldiers wonder if the fight was worth the number of lives lost. Then Americans encounter the Kaufering IV concentration camp. Liebgott asks, “Was is das hier? [Why are you here?].” Turning to Winters, Liebgott states, “He says it’s a work camp for, uh, unerwuenschter. I’mI’m not sure what the word means, sir, uh, unwanted, disliked, maybe? Further clarifying, “No. Actors, musicians, tailors, clerks, farmers, and intellectuals. Ordinary people.” Yes, the episode is a powerful reminder of American bravery, but it’s a lesson to guide our future.

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Invincibility

A friend knocked at my door and dropped off a bottle of seaweed pills. “It will fix metabolism and fight cancer.” Of course, I accepted the offer unconditionally. After some small talk, I shut the door and tossed them on the counter behind my toaster with the other worthless crap I received. I don’t take ‘magic’ supplements because they don’t work. And technically, it’s hard to do something when there’s a lack of faith. Supplements do not make you invincible.

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New rule: Never go to a Cancer Doctor at the doctor’s request on Good Friday. Why? The news is unlikely to be ‘good news.’ During my April 4th clinical appointment, my Primary Care Physician recommended a friend whose a Cancer Orthopedic Surgeon. “His office will likely call to schedule you in a couple of weeks. He might be able to assist with pain management. I will forward his office your records this afternoon.” Several weeks later never happened; I received the call April 5th. 

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‘Then what?’

Question: When diagnosed with severe illness, do you fight like hell or walk away (from life)? When faced with the ultimate choice, there may be offers of comfortable, safe, warm places to stay. However, in the end, will you choose the solitude and movement of life or pour a host of chemicals through your body’s veins in hopes of living three, six, or nine months more? There will be a myriad of kindnesses and struggles, each bringing people together and, on occasion, sometimes challenging their commitment to the vision set for themselves. 

To be more visionary, stringing the body to repeated rounds of chemotherapy offers non-joyful, conflicted rounds of clinical togetherness through an endless maze of medical tests. Moments such as these highlight that aging in America makes people invisible. Even in crowded waiting rooms, in the thunderous booms of clanging bedpans, like a salmon swimming upstream against the tide of infirmity, one wanders the solitary existence of medical marvel. Even in such moments, it’s hard for the ship to remain moored, but it’s never wholly undone.

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Stedman Graham advised to let no man’s opinion of you become your reality. If you ‘Google’ the quote, the statement appears to originate from Les Brown. However, I first read it in one of Graham’s books around the mid-nineties. Graham’s advice haunts reverberated while watching the film Cyrano (2021). While audiences did not show up in theatres, the beautiful idea of height—in the film’s interpretation—effectively shows how Cyrano needlessly allowed his self-worth to be defined by the cruelty of others. And there, at that moment, I, like many others, saw myself. 

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Reflection of Christmas 2022. Just writing those words, ‘reflection,’ is an achievement. I wasn’t supposed to be here. So, reflecting seems incredible. I should be giddy. I should be awesome. I should be overcome with joy. Me? No. I don’t support the notion that there’s this vast ongoing battle between Good and Evil. There’s just life. And even though being alive at this moment kind of strikes me as funny, there’s not a day when I don’t understand that Christmas 2022 could be my last.

I spent the last two days sitting. “Just too dizzy and wrought with intestinal discomfort,” I murmur. And as Winter Storm Elliott nears the Midwest, forecasters predict a bomb cyclone to layer over the Midwest later this week; my body feels all of the 62 years of abuse given. I should have listened to medical professionals more, but I failed to heed their advice.

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