Unknown Buddhist

In the Gospel of Matthew, Christ described the kingdom of heaven like a mustard seed.  I am sure most know the analogy that a mustard seed, once planted, becomes a strong tree, to which others can gain nourishment from.  Likewise, in the same Gospel, Christ also described the Kingdom of Heaven is similar to yeast, meaning a little bit of yeast can leaven a lot of flour.  Both the mustard seed and the flour is our mind and thoughts. Inside, our mind has the ability to choose both negative and positive thoughts.  We can choose to rid ourselves of potential negative thoughts without regret.

Whether it is the Kingdom of heaven or the nirvana, all of us can touch Christ. We can touch the Buddha.  Each of us has the power to reach the deepest level of love at any given moment. When we realize everything around us was by the love of God,: you me, mother father, lover friend, tables and chairs, homes and cars, candy, ice cream, the sky, fresh air, birth and death, toil and joy. All things were created by this eternal force.

When we see love, the Christian can see and touch the Holy Spirit. For the Buddhist, can see the Buddha. When we see love and compassion, forgiveness and heart, then we are very close to the Buddha and Christ.  When you practice these, you practice His teaching.

In his book “The Wisdom of Forgiveness,” the Dalai Lama claims each of us are interdependent. Each of us shapes our thoughts, feelings and reaction to world events.  Sometimes it is the things help shape who we are. Life events, death of family members, lack of resources, etc., often shape who we are.

For instance, I lost the love of my life. Inherently, I am not a bad person. While some things I did were not proper, not all of me is bad. Yet, both my former love and to some extent, the Catholic Church feels I may not be reclaimable. Yet, take that vey same person, place them and place him in a loving environment where both loves could flourish and nurture, our experience and outcome would be very different.

In many cases, one cannot experience the greatest of love without the potential for pain. You generally cannot experience one without the other.  By understanding our interdependence, edges soften and physical boundaries blur when spiritual lucidity occur.

So in times of great struggle, remember your potential interdependence.  Great diversity may be your greatest strength.

Joseph Campbell once said, if one does not come know thy own deeper self, thy deeper self will come forth. My darkness arose many years ago, it lived, and often lived against my will. However, the real battle is in the “wills.” And the greatest enemy against my own will was my own habits.

It is amazing how a single act becomes habit. For the most part, when I was Christian, I often thought many of us had not the courage to follow God as we should have. Neither did we have the courage to leave bad habits behind. Instead, I like many others, turned our faces for a moment and told ourselves we’ll be sure to get back to the path. When we look again, some twenty years have passed and we wonder what in God’s name happened to us.

If there is hope, I will say that this dark night of the soul (my own dark night) which I walked is for my benefit. God would certainly not help me if He depreciated the power of my own thinking. If He saved me, then I would not understand the power of my own destructive nature. Also, but more importantly, I would never realize the power of my ability to heal. In order to avoid creating misery, I had understand the full power of my own creative thinking (whether good or bad) and how to apply the good and acknowledge, but dismiss the bad. By choosing love, I hope to reject fear.

From the Buddhist perspective, the mind is the creator of sickness and health. In fact, the mind is believed to be the creator of all of our problems. That is, the cause of disease is internal, not external. You are probably familiar with the concept of karma, which literally means action. All of our actions lay down imprints on our mind which have the potential to ripen at some time in the future. These actions can be positive, negative or neutral. These karmic seeds are never lost. The negative ones can ripen at any time in the form of problems or sickness; the positive ones in the form of happiness, health or success.

The basic root of my own problems is selfishness – what I call the inner enemy. Selfishness caused me to engage in negative actions, which placed negative imprints within me. These negative actions were of body, speech or mind, such as thoughts of jealousy, anger and greed.

Selfish thoughts also increased my pride. These feelings in turn result in an unhappy mind, a mind that is without peace. On the other hand, thoughts and actions directed to the well-being of others bring happiness and peace to the mind.

Tibetan Buddhism is to meditate on the teachings known as thought transformation. These methods allow one to see the problem or sickness as something positive rather than negative. A problem is only a problem if we label it a problem. If we look at a problem differently, we can see it as an opportunity to grow or to practice, and regard it as something positive. We can think that having this problem now ripens our previous karma, which does not then have to be experienced in the future.

The most powerful healing methods of all are those based on compassion, the wish to free other beings from their suffering. The compassionate mind – calm, peaceful, joyful and stress-free – is the ideal mental environment for healing. A mind of compassion stops our being totally wrapped up in our own suffering situations. By reaching out to others we become aware of not just my pain but the pain (that is, the pain of all beings).

As I sit at the Marriott Hotel at the Houston International Airport, I stumbled across some of the old email letters written to a friend. After reliving their words, I realized that over the last 68,688,000 seconds since I left saw her, I have traveled far. Yet through all the turmoil of my own mistakes and apologies for my failures, I now fully understand the consequences of my own actions. In short…I got it.

Prior to being fired several years ago, my position was simply performing a duty as requested. To others, I breached everything I wanted to be. I incorrectly considered it my job, just another intra-departmental fight. Data was needed and collected. And in the end I forever wasted the chance to walk, heal the wounds and console the potential of everything given.

I do believe most of my friends have seen my futility and figured much of my potential was wasted. At the end of the day, I believe nature allows special friends to come together at a point in life where each of us needed friendship and love the most. And through the years I have been gone, that friendship still touches me very deeply.

For some of us, having that special friend brings one to a deeper level of God’s love no other could. And through that friendship, our personal core identity conforms more and more to the God we honor.

Most friends see us better than we see ourselves. Still, I am quite surprised to discover the many conflicting perspectives within me. Personally, I have nothing left and am unworthy to request compassion. Yet, via the Buddha, I search for and receive the grace to conclude this in love.

As a Buddhist, I honor all. Yet to this day, I honor and think of her at great lengths. For all who lost such a friend, please remember them still, not with the ending, but in love, dignity and honor. You have a gift of astute conviction and penetrating power. This power is why you still walk in their heart each and every day.

My love for her lives and will always move forward with me. I hope each of you find the same.

Sometimes, the focus on what we have or don’t have is mentally exhausting. We all are in a much bigger and riskier battle. All the business goals, mission statements, positive thinking, bonus mileage and positional status mean nothing. I am horrified by the fact that many are in this “cold,” unfamiliar clearing of dark wood, facing a stubborn, unrelenting enemy – the life we call our own. In the middle of the night, in the solitude of darkness, we awake and see my life as we made it, complete with all its mistakes, pain and agony. I see the trunks of an unknown forest and it scares the hell out of me.

And it is here we battle, where no other man can enter and where we feel wholly alone. Thus, when all the cash is counted, the dollars, the cents, the credits, the debits of one’s life – it all means nothing. This battle is brutal and it’s our psyche that’s on the line. And of course I will over-simplify, while continually worries about retirement savings, nest egg, relationship conversation are equally true, I am simply am trying to wake up tomorrow without having lost my mind. For the first time in my life, as I write, I completely understand the battle.

As a Buddhist, if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that despite everything one achieves, life refuses to grant immunity from its difficulties. I am rest assured of my blessings, but I began this journey on the east coast and now find myself on the west coast. This is the place God called me to, there is no other place or time. I will never see success as “here.” I must admit that what I see on the road is my creation and I must grieve for all I have wasted. When the grieving process is done, only then can we possibility walk onward.

We enter these waters to be reborn. And truly, I have no idea what my psyche will be like after the walk, but I am reborn along the banks of life’s river. But nonetheless, we are continually reborn, if only we drink from the water.

As many writers and other literary giants have found, a good deal of life is spent on waiting to see what will happen. I see “waiting” everywhere.” The doctor who tells a family, “Well, we did everything possible. Now we have to wait and see.” The job interview went great, but we’ll have to wait and see. Couples wait to see if they can have a child. Someone depressed, waits to see if they can climb out of the hole just one more time, the lonely waiting for love, and parents waiting to see how the kids will turn out. Waiting in both my job and my life seems mandatory.

Yet, over the past two years, my daily communion and meditation indicates that great things come after a period of wait. I am waiting for the Spirit of life to define my life even more critically. I am waiting for what has been promised. For a Christian, they wait upon God’s promise, “I am sending upon you what my Father had promised; so stay here until you have been clothed.” Granted, I am not looking for that “Shazam!” effect. Rather I am waiting to reach deep into my life, re-cleanse it, and transform me. I am awaiting marching orders, the gift from being confused to becoming bold and visionary.

I have found some great truths; my aloneness has turned into a rich fellowship of prayer. My waiting has not been wasted. I am reminded of my mortal-ness (is that a word?), that I cannot change the world solely in and of my own effort: I need a Sangha as well. As I spiritually find nurturing while walking in the woods near the Canadian border, I realize that I cannot quench my own thirst, for it is the Buddha and God who chooses to commune with me. As I recognize my limitations, I begin to see more and more of my real self. This waiting is not meant to break me, but rather it is meant to reveal me. I am discovering what I am made of and remolding the frayed edges.

Truly, in spite of all my mistakes, I am blessed by what has been given me. And while I am not particularly fond of everything I have done, I show up each day at the well like the Samarian woman, asking for His promise of living water. I meditation and prayer, I retouch my soul and remake the soul anew. I need this water to reclaim my spiritual soul and thankfully, I am constantly given the opportunity to drink from love, simply because I am loved.

In truth, I am thankful for this walk, for the friendship and whatever prayers and love afforded. For without this walk, I would have never had an opportunity to see and live my own life and what the spirit of God has in store.

Until next time, “Peace and Blessings.”

Through my walks in the forests near Canada and upon the beaches of San Francisco I came to understand my level of brokenness. There, in the darkness of sunset, I physically walked alone, no friend, no lover, no Good Samaritan. Looking back, I can actually see the footprints of a greater being in the sand where each personal burden, pain and disappointment  where removed. Only by a greater grace was I finally able to accept my failures, my false securities and safety. I cut loose the inner armor and begun to stand.

In Buddhism, I mourned many losses in my life. Even now, each time I relive the deep and painful loss of the love of my life and all the other memories, I re-experienced them, but each day I felt their absence in a new way. And each time I cry, they die and something anew emerges. I connect with a more profound sense of compassion and love. I feel the Christian form love and God’s grace.

I realize I am part of a greater family. And as I shred my former self, I am moving from communion to a larger ministry.  Still, I know my past with each of the people offended has been difficult. And certainly, while I am forgiven by some, I learning only too well that I can hardly expect to be forgiven individually for the harm I caused.

Moving forward, I have re-embraced myself and my faith. I have been summoned from the “wilderness.” I will help develop a leadership network that helps to connect each other and others involved in the battle for healthcare and human rights in this country.

Journal Entry: October 15^th, 2011

I found myself in many awkward positions while tracing computer cable through the cramped hallways of the hospital. But this October morning began like most.  The sun overcame the marine layer and was beginning to peak through the eastward windows of the fourth floor.

But cable is cable. And tracing the conduit throughout each room can be meticulous, especially where one begins and another ends.  Is the cable colored? size, transmission capacity, potential age and potential damage. The installers performed a lousy job.  Basically, they laid the cable, but did little to make it serviceable.  Each floor, room, closet and entryway had a checklist. Each checklist must be compiled and recorded for clarity.

Room 407 was odd. There in the room, lay a fragile man, maybe 30’ish. Time, stress and pain wore him down. Standing in the doorway, stood Nurse Jena. “You a relative?” she inquired.

“No,” as I quickly turned.

“Too bad. We were trying to find a family member.”

“Why?” I inquired.

“Well, he’s homeless and probably will not last long.” Looking back at the man, “We know he’s a former Iraqi vet. But who exactly we aren’t sure. We also know he’s homeless. But getting information from the VA is difficult at best.”

“Basically he’s going to die alone?” I interrupted.

 “Yeah, Basically.”

“Mind if I stay with him? I mean if that’s alright?”

Jena paused for a moment, “Sure.”

When I recall his frailty, I remember the words of Douglas MacArthur:

“Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up wrinkles the soul.”

Many people hate those words.  For some reason, at this moment, that’s all I can simply think of. And I have no idea why. He deserved better words. He deserved someone to give a damn. Maybe, in the end, that’s all I could do. Maybe I would be the one who gave a damn. For this man, for all he had given, respect should have been mandatory.

This man passed later in the evening.  I was there and he did not die alone.

Post Script

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According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, far too many veterans are homeless in America—between 130,000 and 200,000 on any given night—representing between one fourth and one-fifth of all homeless people. Three times that many veterans are struggling with excessive rent burdens and thus at increased risk of homelessness.

Further, there is concern about the future. Women veterans and those with disabilities including post-traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury are more likely to become homeless, and a higher percentage of veterans returning from the current conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq have these characteristics.

On this Memorial Day, and every day hereafter, let’s all give a damn.

It is easier to recognize a blessing after it is gone.

We are so obsessed with what we do not have, we cannot see the value of what we have been given.  The blessings from God are usually hidden in very plain packages. They come wrapped in things like an evening meal at the kitchen table with someone you love, a child you see playing in the backyard while you clean the dishes, a great conversation with a friend. In these earthen vessels are found the treasure of God’s love.

To be blessed means to discover that God cherishes us more deeply than we do ourselves.  To receive God’s blessing is to come home to a place we have never been, but where, from the moment we arrive, we know we belong. It is a place where we are unconditionally loved.

Blessings are not achievements, they are gifts from heaven.  The sinless one, the judge, came to me, a person who lost on the sea of good intentions and altered my sense of how I found hope. I am made right, not by trying harder, but by God’s grace and seeing how God is with me. He found me out in the wilderness where I was trying hard to get to the right place in life.

One cannot justify living like a snake simply because the world is full of snakes. Nor can I simply refuse my own venom saying, “just get use to it, for that is who I am.”  As a Buddhist, I recognize God did not make me angry, cynical or deadly. I did.

Being invited and participating in Protestant worship, we had chance to reflect upon Paul’s conversion of the road to Damascus. Having been kicked out of the Catholic Church and unforgiven, I find much heart in Paul’s story.

As you may know, Saul grapples with his dawning realization that his life, though lived in zeal for the one true God even to the point of persecuting the church, has in reality been one of “ignorance in unbelief” (1 Tim 1:13). He begins to see that in proving his commitment to God by persecuting the church, he has actually been proving himself an enemy of God. As Saul deeply considers that “why?” and accepts the divine perspective on his actions, his whole spiritual world will be turned upside down. What was a badge of honor will become a lifelong shameful blot on his character.

The subsequent blindness shows Saul the spiritual bankruptcy of his pre-Christian condition.  In the end, Ananias healing and addresses Saul as a brother. Thus at the end, the healing and the laying on of hands are linked. And those who are healed can take full physical restoration and nourishment.

Few of us have has a dramatic public conversion experience as Paul, yet full acceptance of the change and forgiveness can be very dramatic for all. Secondly, Ananias followed the Lord’s request to forgive. And third, no life is useless or too far gone for God. He has a purpose for all of us and can forgive us no matter what if we are willing to ask for His forgiveness and accept it as His gift to us. What miracle life might He have in store for you.

In Buddhism, forgiveness, kindness and unconditional love towards others are three central aspects which are emphasized.  I went to my former Church, my pastor and former lover to request forgiveness. I submitted myself to public humiliation, but was granted none.

But in Buddhism, when you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done.

The 5 moral responsibilities I understand are:

1.  I always responsible for our conscious choices.
2. I must always put myself in the other person’s place.
3. All beings are worthy of respect.
4. I will regard those who point out my faults as if they were pointing out treasure
5. There are no — repeat, no — higher purposes than the basic precepts of ethical behavior.

As you walk, be like Ananias, please forgive and call me a brother. Call all who seek forgiveness your brother. Miracles do happen.

Every Memorial Day weekend is spent watching “Band of Brothers.” Band of Brothers is a ten-part video series dramatizing the history of one company of American paratroopers in World War Two—E Company, 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne, known as “Easy Company.” This exemplary group fought in some of the war’s most harrowing battles and “Band of Brothers” depicts not only the heroism but also the extraordinary bond among men formed in the crucible of war.  In truth, it is my way of remembering.

Being a veteran, I personally served in no major war. But personally, the inner war and personal demons of what I did during the military in the late 70’s is often reflected by these men.  I am in awe of the sacrifices these men so valiantly gave.

Still in contrast, many Buddhists refuse to take up arms under any circumstances, even knowing that they would be killed as a result. The life of monks permits them to defend themselves, but it forbids them to kill, even in self-defence. For Buddhists this poses the difficult dilemma of how to protect the rights and lives of their citizens without breaking the principle of nonviolence.

The pure Buddhist attitude is demonstrated accordingly:

“A Vietnam veteran was overheard rebuking the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, about his unswerving dedication to non-violence.

“You’re a fool,” said the veteran – “what if someone had wiped out all the Buddhists in the world and you were the last one left. Would you not try to kill the person who was trying to kill you, and in doing so save Buddhism?!”

Thich Nhat Hanh answered patiently “It would be better to let him kill me. If there is any truth to Buddhism and the Dharma it will not disappear from the face of the earth, but will reappear when seekers of truth are ready to rediscover it.

“In killing I would be betraying and abandoning the very teachings I would be seeking to preserve. So it would be better to let him kill me and remain true to the spirit of the Dharma.”

But being Buddhist also means being a humanist. At times, we must focus on human values and concerns, attaching prime importance to what it means to be human rather than divine or supernatural matters.  Episode 9, ‘Why We Fight’ is very reflective of being human.

One of my favorite movie lines comes from the Rob Reiner film “The American President.” At one point in the film, in the midst of political controversy, the president (Douglas) says stoically and dismissively, “We fight the fights we can win.” But then, in a moment of movie magic, the loyal friend and faithful attendee to the president A.J. (Martin Sheen) retorts with uncharacteristically bold defiance: “You fight the fights that need fighting!” Buddhism, Christian, Atheist alike, there comes a time when we all must fight the fights that need fighting.

For the men of Easy Company, whether known or not, stopping the kind of people responsible for the concentration camp they find outside of Landsberg is exactly why they fight — why they’ve given up years of their lives and risked those lives repeatedly. As the real Dick Winters (who had fewer problems with his resolve to begin with) said to himself after getting a look at that nightmarish place, “Now I know why I am here!”

This episode was really powerful, because it captures what those soldiers saw when they went into Kaufering IV and how they liberated all the people the Nazis put in concentration camps. It was so horrible to look at and makes you wonder how humanity can be so inhuman to other human beings. It’s one of those things you have to see for yourself and I’ll never forget this episode.

This was a brutal look at what hatred and racism does when it gets out of control and it’s thanks to brave men and women in the armed forces that help prevent things like this from happening and we should never forget what all our troops do every day.

As Buddhist, a humanist and Veteran, I am in awe of all who served. I am truly honored to all who fight the fights worth fighting.