When I signed off in April, I did not check my email. Upon logging in this afternoon, I read several emails from readers requesting an update. So, I will start by stating that I feel a little like Josie Rubio (A Pain in The Neck cancer blog), who said to some effect that she was beginning to feel good and thinking of returning to work. Of course, Ms. Rubio never returned.
What does this have to do with me? Well, feeling better lulls one into a sense of stupidity. Though I intuitively know my body is sick, some parts are starting to feel better. Long-term COVID brain fog appears to be lifting. However, clinicians remind me that the improvement is likely due to Cyanocobalamin (an artificial form of B-12), vitamin B-6, Folate, and other assorted things that begin my day. My body tempered any illusionary thoughts when I felt so good that I tried two stairsteps for every step. The effect was painful, as a coworker found me curled at the top level in excruciating pain.
When asked these days about how I am, my reply is pretty standard, “Some days are good. Other days suck.” Clinicians also remind you that blood tests are still in a DMZ: results indicate that you’re very ill but ill enough to start long-term chemo (which will not cure you). Chemo will only keep you alive for a bit longer. Thus, being ‘terminal’ is the rest of life, whatever it may be.
Living with cancer makes you time stupid. Today, i forgot how long I’ve had Light Chain Deposition Disease (LCDD). I was talking to a patient in the hallway this afternoon about her operation and her pain when I quickly reminded myself, ‘Yeah, I’ve been dealing with LCDD for over two years.’ That was false. Clinicians discovered my LCDD sixteen months earlier, in January 2023.
After a week of pain-free days, the pain that has accompanied me was returned with a lion’s roar this morning. Welcome to my life. This painful state has been my past, my present, and my future.
Thus, my update? It’s a bitch.