I watched PBS’ four-part documentary College Behind Bars. The documentary tells the story of a small group of incarcerated men and women struggling to earn college degrees and turn their lives around in one of the most rigorous and effective prison education programs in the United States – the Bard Prison Initiative.
During the 4th episode, the internal reflection of Rodney Spivey-Jones challenged me to reevaluate my failures. Looking squarely into the camera, Mr. Jones reflected on his shortcomings. “We rarely get a chance to think about how we hurt the victims. And yet, that’s something that’s required of us when we go to the parole board. Once you can empathize with other people, you can realize that you’ve caused a lot of harm. If you can connect your pain to the pain that you’ve caused, there’s a responsibility there. And it’s hard to escape it.”
Over the past eight years, I revisited the concept of ‘making amends,’ a traditional term specifically designed to “correct a mistake that one has made, or a bad situation one has caused.” In May 2013, I wrote of twenty-six (26) severely painful situations that required amends. Seven (7) of the twenty-six (26) refused any communication, eleven (11) forgave, four (4) were never found, and four (4) others were works in progress. March 2019, I reconnected with a woman to whom I wrote 18 letters years prior. Despite those efforts, Mr. Jones caused reflection. Did I do enough?
What is enough? All of us are like Rodney Spivey-Jones. I have many people where I only recently thought of how I hurt them. Only a short-term diagnosis of ‘terminal’ forced me to explore the level of harm I caused? For instance, that woman in the military who I badgered for a date is ok now? Did she have a good life? That company I took quietly accepted over expensed travel reimbursements, could they have used that money to benefit another? And of the woman I married and divorced, did I leave you better, or just me?
The PBS documentary also followed former inmate Dyjuan Tatro, who was serving a 12-year prison sentence during filming. Not only did he pay for his crime, but he also made amends and laid the foundation for a better life post-prison. “It was in prison; through the Bard Prison Initiative, that I was able to turn my life around,” Tatro said. “When you’re in prison, and you don’t have any other opportunity, you have to make the most of the one that’s been given to you.” Tatro is making the most of every day.
Our lives are a collection of ‘single’ days. As such, throughout much of my life, I embraced little ‘intentionality.’ Did I amend the errors of my past? Have I transitioned through restitution? Was there an apology, changed behavior, compensation, or generosity? Or, did I play the ‘victim’ card like decades earlier? Did I lay the foundation for a better life (whether here or in the next)?
For so many years, everywhere I went before, I created a lot more damage than good. So much so, that I am unsure whether I could seriously restitute anything for past aggressions. As stated before, and as I state to God, I am accountable. Just as Rodney Spivey-Jones did on national television, the ‘buck’ drops at my shoes, and I must make amends.
Even though I am down to nine months of a two-year ‘prognosis poor’ diagnosis, I have much to give and much to offer. I will continue to show that I am capable of redemption. God knows my life has value beyond the sum of my errors. One day, I hope God will note that this man was able to reclaim his humanity rather than succumbing to ignorance.
Reclaim yours too.
