I spiritually carried Karen in my heart for decades. Everywhere traveled, a part of her remained alive in my heart. And throughout all the years, through all my spectacular failures, I am now forced to breathe differently. I am forced to accept the crushing gravity of loss of death. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I (the UB) was supposed to die first.
Karen Ann was my first wife. And in truth, it’s hard to imagine a better love. Love was so blissful, so easy, so elegant, and so perfect. Her death hit like a train, and life for me stopped (triggering the last post, The Finale). After all the years post-divorce and enduring friendship, I can still hear your voice; I can still feel your warmth; I can still feel your soul; I can even see your smile. Despite everything, I finally understand God’s grace, His love, and the compassion of a beautiful woman.
Then the damn broke. I experienced a profoundly personal ‘cry’ last night. I spoke to God. I recounted just how much happiness you brought. I never dreamed I could find so much joy on earth. I should have spent more time in your love. Instead, I chased a career. Yet nothing in my travels of 35 different countries ever replaced you Karen. Nothing. I remember nights sipping cocoa, petting our cats Figaro, Cleo, and Lucky. My cancer, Parkinson’s, Osteoarthritis, and Multiple Sclerosis mean I near death as well. I am sorry I did not make more memories. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I did not say goodbye. You were the beat of my heart, the soul in my body.
There are days when I feel you very close. I think I can almost hear you commenting, chuckling, smiling, and guiding. Other days, I believe nostalgia, that you’re really in the Library of Heaven reading science fiction, watching old Star Trek episodes, have Figaro in your lap, and bowl the best popcorn anywhere.
It’s still hard to believe you are gone, yet you consume nearly every single thought. I hope to see you soon as I miss you way too much. One cannot see the intangible waves of love God sends forth. We tend to dismiss them. That leaves only forgiveness. Forgiveness is something everyone deserves, but is something we fail to understand. Then one day, it is too late. I am sorry for all that I missed. I am hopeful God will allow you to visit, to provide truth you’re well, and to say you await another chance to kiss. I hope you will introduce me to your mother and show me the ins and outs of Heaven. And indeed, you must be in Heaven. Because if anybody deserves it, it’s you.