Tag Archive: Love


Transire

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 4.59.41 PMI once spent weeks driving to the west coast and back. During the trip visited the tornado damaged Joplin, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, Del Rio, Alpine, Alamogordo, Las Cruces Tucson, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Albuquerque and Amarillo. Having visited caverns, cliffs, caves, gorges and missions, I was left in complete awe.

Like all of us walking this life, there was no one-way. With literally hundreds of routes to choose from and with so many decisions that lay before me, I quickly learned there was no “perfect” route. Each carefully planned segment carried its own challenges. I encountered a major winter storm, with blizzard conditions halting an entire state’s transportation system. There was rain and flooding in some portions of Texas and the searing heat of the New Mexican and Nevada desert.

Sometimes we find ourselves lost. And thankfully, the Benedictine Abbey monks found me and gave me rest for several days.  Other days, a local Mexican Restaurant offered these old bones dinner well past closing.  And a local Marriott owner in Tulsa upgraded a room that hid a secret hot tub to enhance the night’s stay.

I was in transire then and transire now. The Latin term transire, means to ‘go across.’ Like all life-long road warriors, we are required to change. This past weekend was a great transition for me. I felt lost when learning of a colleague’s untimely death. But more importantly, I understand that those who travel life’s road experience both joy and sadness. One cannot have one without the other.

Yet in each mile of the road, I found a slice of home, where one found a sense of love. It felt like home, but was not. Each place was so unfamiliar, yet so lovingly familiar. Transitions are like that. In all our lives, whether the transition was chosen or forced, all usually ask, will anyone like us? Will we be the same when we come out upon the other side? God, will I even make it to the other side.

Each one of us must transition. We all leave school, gain employment and perhaps a career. Others will get married, have children, lose children, lose fathers, mothers, daughters, grandparents and more. Some will transition to great celebration, maybe becoming a senator, congressional representative, President, a heart surgeon, a paramedic, police, fire or veterinarian. Through it all, everything will be very different and so very similar.

Transire … transire.

Just as you, I am deeply carved. The canyons seen out west are true of all. Time and experience chisel a vast amount of wrinkles.  It’s as if we build our own grand canyons. Except the chisel is from God and depth of love is formed by the very breath of His own lips. Like my weekend, there are times when the familiar will get lost. And in its place a whirlwind of confusion envelops us.  Transition removed me from my comfort zone and I searched for someone to lean upon. Like the young mother cradling a child in the middle of the night, there may appear to be only darkness.

Yet within in these transire moments are opportunities for God’s grace and love. It is those moments where are vessels can find safe harbor. All religions have moments where the loving tender attention forms within us; a clarity and call to love. It’s in those moments that God’s footprints are found in not only during the transire, but also upon arrival.  Where there is love, there is God, there is Christ, there is Buddha, and there is love. The colors, the sounds, and smells may remain the same or be different, but we will find things so familiar and so renewed.

How are you in your transire? Do you see the loving care given by your God? Do you give that same love to someone else in transire?

RGARE_kbalossi_LThumbI flew into St. Louis today, met a client and snuck over to your work for a surprise lunch. Imagine my surprise as I learned of your passing in November 2013.  For now, they’ve kept your office unoccupied and I remained in the empty steel silence that filled your life for the past 12 years.  Everything seems vaguely familiar, yet eerily quiet.

I caught my breath.

When we started our jobs together, we somehow connected. There was something in that building which drew me in, tempting me with a friendship one only dared to dream of.  Being a solitary traveler, I knew more about you in a few short months than just about anyone. You were a fiery young woman, full of sensitivity, love, tenacious and brave all at the same time. You made the best of most situations which I later learned was difficult considering the cancer you battled.

As a friend, you are one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me. But you were a tremendous gift to many. Personally, I will miss your smile, your laughter and your hug. I will miss the times we sat and watched coworkers come and go, the leaves change, the seasons come, the seasons go. You showed me how happy life could be, what real love was and so much more. You were the whole world to many and no one could possibly replace the sacred spot in which you reside.

You taught me that if I felt like an oddball; be proud of it, that somehow, regardless of how battered and bruised I had become, I could indeed accomplish a lot. You taught a good spouse comes from genuine love and not from just the need for love. And most importantly, love is everything and everything flows from that.

One said love and friendship withstands the test of time. Some days I fear time has only weakened me and brought more sorrow than what’s possible to be healed. The world is a much duller place without you. But as you would say, no matter what life throws at you, get back up. No exceptions. I must live for the living, for I have a thousand more obligations left undone. I know life and death are two ends of the same process – if I understood one end, I had to understand the other.

Kanako, I missed your death. But more importantly, I missed your life.

If I were saying “good-bye” today, I would want you to know how proud I am of you. My hopes and wishes would be that you maintain your close family ties. Bug your husband, mother, father and sister. Bug your friends and bug me. Accept our strengths and weaknesses, reach to our hearts across the void and remind us we are missed just as we remind ourselves we miss you. Remind us we’re loved and that you’ll be there when we cross the divide.

I love you like a sister. I hope that the world you are in is beautiful and someone is holding you, making it all ok. I hope that you are feeling the peace you provided to so many of us.

The Only Guarantee

imagesWhile purchasing a set of Klipsch S4A headphones, the salesperson inquired about purchasing an extended warranty, a two-year guaranteed replacement. Having worked for the Better Business Bureau some thirty years ago, there are many calculations, that from a purely economic standpoint, that confirms there’s no economic sense to purchase one.

Yet today I burst out laughing heartily at a Pella Windows sales representative, who quoting windows for my home, queried whether I wanted an extended warranty above and beyond Pella’s 10 year limited warranty. The poor man must have thought I was nuts. When I explained that thirty years ago this April, I received a diagnosis providing an additional 25 quality years.  Thus, I am past my due … and all the medical events of this past week indicate I am nearer transition.

So at my stage of life, why buy anything? Certainly one can’t pass on or pay forward anything, let alone an extended warranty. Humorously, I wondered whether God offered anyone an extended warranty prior to our arrival on this island earth?  Or are we just a set of souls with an implied warranty?

To clarify, implied warranties are unwritten promises that arise from the nature of the transaction. It means when you purchase product, the seller basically says, “Yeah, it works and good luck.” For you and I, it means when born our creator breathed life into us and said good luck. There are no known guaranties. It’s the cosmic equivalency to a used car “Purchased As-Is.”

Of course there are expressed warranties. An expressed warranty is a verbal or written statement that guarantees a product will work in a certain way or for a certain amount of time, say one year, five years, ten years, etc.  Some could represent the Bible as an expressed warranty. But technically, that doesn’t count. I presume to say the Bible guarantees only that we will experience joys, sorrow, sickness and death. Hard to believe, that as a spirit, one actually agreed, for I have no direct knowledge of some hierarchical contract signed, sealed or delivered.

Seriously, at the end of the day, for me it doesn’t matter. Paraphrasing the character Red in The Shawshank Redemption, I would love to find the youth of myself and “… try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone, and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that.”

There’s no warranty for any of us. I know the abundance of my days is pain-filled and moving toward a series of rather distasteful health events. I will never ever hold the hand of the one I truly love. I won’t see the Alaskan Glaciers again nor see the sunset from Upper Grinnell Lake.

But as a Buddhist, I know the only guarantee allowed: our present moment of love; to have peace of mind and heart and to feel good about our own existence and to be love to all those around us. We … yes us … must live out of this present moment. Write a heart of love on everyone met and as Henry David Thoreau wrote, “… find your eternity in each moment.”

This very moment is the only guarantee we have. Make each one count.

The Greatest Love

agape LoveSo many different sins. Whether we admit it or not, most of us are in a very broken state. Each of us has issues; some surrounding relationships, some with drugs, and some with this or that.

We see many celebrities on television living horrid lives. What would possibly be going on, that any one of us would openly choose such a destructive lifestyle? And how embarrassing is it that one must live out these very private and personal failures on a public stage, to be discovered and shamed by many of the world. It’s hard enough to be familiar with our own self, let alone to be personally honest about our worst and most destructive choices, but to have others find out our worst, let alone the whole world seems impossible.

Maybe … just maybe … to have this stuff come forth from the bottom of our soul is the beginning of freedom. Maybe … just maybe … having that sin uncovered begins a journey away from individual slavery. Maybe … just maybe … having that sin exposed frees us from the shackles of darkness, the bonds of hell. Maybe that sin … just maybe … uncovering that sin is what we need to have happen.

Most of us know at least one thing in our life that remains hidden. Slowly these issues feast upon the core of our soul, if not our body. Simply put, it’s just a code for sin, a destructive behavior that seemingly never dies. But what if any one of us went to work, like any other day, only to realize your sin will be uncovered? What if you went home, stood face-to-face with your spouse, and found this hidden secret exposed? What if all our secrets were exposed, for the entire world to see?

Better yet, what if you exposed these sins, but the very person you stood face-to-face did not run? Maybe that spouse, coworker, friend or love lover flinches, but at the end of the day stood firm? What if you weren’t shamed for your choices? What if your darkest secret was exposed simply so you can be free? What if someone simply acted Godly, in love, and exposed the secret so one could be free?

What if God looked at you today and said, “I know you. I know the worst things about you and I’m not leaving you? I will stay right here … to love you … and support you. I am here with you as you are. You don’t have to polish yourself, create another image or hide the pain in the back alley of the soul. What’s more, I know there’s freedom for you. I now there is a greater life for you.”

This is a love most of us have never ever known before. It’s a love that enables each us to lay bare our wounded souls and ask for freedom.

Too often we are loved for this or for that. Most of us go from one thing to another – desperately trying to end the loneliness, to end the insecurity. And much of the time, that very loneliness is often reinforced, galvanized. The pleasure we sought becomes an endless journey of one vice for another, one relationship to the next and one bad habit for another.

When each of us reaches for the hurting and accept them in this form of agape love, we accept them for who they are, blemishes and all. This allows each and every one of us to look at our own ugliness and accept it as part of who we were. It’s the kind of love that comes to everyone as they are, not some idolized person someone thinks you need to be. This type of does not wait for us to cleanse our life, to make things all better. This form of agape love needs to come to all, as we stand, bare-ass and naked.

And if we receive that love, we can hold up our sin, our darkness and trust that this person, who stands before us, ensured we would not be abandoned. To those damaged during life’s journey, when we love in empowerment we give them the ability to begin freeing the chains, to cut the chains, to heal the shame. Only when we know who we are, can begin to order our lives in honor of those who gave us the most empowering love ever know.

This empowerment is the greatest form of love we’ve ever, ever, known.

Ubuntu

1052_catg8931As we constantly deny opportunities to love, the guardian of the mind fails to yield toward connection, to that sense of deep love that could significantly impact our life.  Thus, the values and voice of Christ lay silent, losing touch with the very creator who resides within. Simply put, the impulse to change the world rests helplessly and doesn’t create a sense of empowerment.

Our hectic life places undue emphasis on technical mastery and our lifestyle is toxic to those in need and pursuing the vital connections between the personal and public good. It’s not inaction that has the biggest impact on those surrounding us. It’s all the secondary issues — the lack of healthcare, the economic issues, unemployment and disruption of community that strips the soul.

As the voices of our lives diminish, what will we say when asked, ‘Where were you?‘ As a Buddhist, there are no excuses. But how doe we embrace priorities those that enable the public good? Will we remain a threat to the environment? Will inequities in the distribution of wealth, lack of a sustainable energy policy remain only ideological dreams? Will our society continue to violate personal privacy and savor the predilection for excessive use of force?

Truth told, most of us give, not out of a genuine place of hope to help and of generosity but rather via some transactional exchange, some sort of trade, as if we procured the right to go on with the day and not necessarily be bothered by bad news.

An engaged Buddhist rests upon the insight that we must begin to change ourselves before we can help to change the world.  The stories we tell about each other matter very much. The stories we tell ourselves about our own lives matter. And most of all, I think the way that we participate in one another life stories is of deep importance.

Nelson Mandela said that the gift of prison was an ability to go within and to think, to create in himself the things he most wanted: peace, reconciliation, and harmony. Through this act of immense tenderheartedness, he became the embodiment of what South Africans call “Ubuntu.” Ubuntu: I am because of you.

Each of us gets to experience the deepest parts of our own humanity through our interactions with others. In 2014 we must realize our own well-being is deeply tied to those surrounding us. Danger is shared. Pain is shared. Joy is shared. Laughter is shared. Achievement is shared. Houses are shared. Food is shared. Ubuntu asks us to personally open our hearts and to share, and live with empathetic action in every moment.

All of us are in the cathedral of life, we get to see the most beautiful parts of ourselves reflected back at us. All creatures (human or otherwise) share our best and brightest moments. If I have a gift to share, it’s a gift that provides more of me to society. Thus, I carry the very nature of love that God and Buddha profoundly proclaimed.

We so often hear, “It’s only me, I can’t make a difference“, but great leaders of history showed that this is not true. Everybody can make a difference if committed.

Short Term 12

thAttending a recent holiday party, I met a young therapist who confessed she had a fear of heights, a fear of crossing highway overpasses, a fear of crossing bridges. She also taught counseling, but because of a fear of being attacked, a guard dog accompanies her to ensure protection. In essence, she attempts to heal herself by healing others. And while I ponder the premise of such a world, this whole tale reminded me of Short Term 12.

The film Short Term 12 is about Grace (Brie Larson), a damaged caretaker caring for damaged children. While her own traumatic childhood experiences make Grace such an amazingly empathetic staff member, the experiences of those in her care are also triggering. The emotional traumas of adolescents bleed into her own; causing her otherwise perfect relationship with her boyfriend is to unravel under the weight of her own dysfunction.

In one scene, Grace explains to a new worker the kids “shelf-life” has passed and thus they remain at the home, waiting in a world where time appears to stand still, yet one in which everything continually moves. Each of the kids submit to the love of caretakers who aren’t much older themselves. In essence, kids are taking care of kids.

These kids are fractured representations of our own human condition, beaten, battered and consistently disappointed by the flaky world of adults. There’s a hug distance between the so-called “normal home” with love and wanted children and a short-term care facility designed to provide a place to live — but little else. These kids are nearing eighteen years old and remain ill-equipped to navigate life’s changing moments.

While we never see the abuse, we are witness to consequence. The movie is blunt, honest and filled with harsh truths. No sugarcoating. Everything digs deep. This is a film about the riskiness involved in both caring for another human being and having someone else care for you. Every moment is witness against the conservative naivity that every child can be equally cared and equally loved.

In truth, the government’s social systems are a quagmire, but instead of critiquing the system, Short Term 12 creates a small world where love, law, and brokenness operate freely.

Maybe all need such a world, where love and acceptance remain free to operate.

Because I Choose To Be

Val-Kilmer-BatmanNearly four years ago I was fired. Officially I resigned, but in truth I was fired.

In the following months, I didn’t have the traditional hands-on help. I had no online community of support, for that seemed rather pointless since my friends were all business acquaintances who either knew or who hear of my demise. I did however, have two close friends who guided me through the ensuing hell and provided a way to start anew. I am truly forever grateful for their kindness.

Over the course of the following years, my then boss went on to bigger and better things. As for me, I took baby steps, struggled with my new identity, a fear others would learn on my old identity, and sporadic high and lows of relearning to trust myself. It’s been hard, but I survived the walk and came out on the other end of the fire.

Currently working for the government in Vermont is no great thing, especially during the upcoming winter months.  Like a squirrel burrowed for winter, I have an ample supply of chips, homemade bread, Diet Pepsi and a television remote that can change channels at 2.5 per second. Since I haven’t figured out how to watch two screens at once, speed is important when watching two programs simultaneously.

Imagine my surprise when receiving an email from my former boss, seeking advice because he is no longer employed. In truth, a part of me didn’t want to forgive while another part wanted to gloat in the moment and laugh.

However, it’s important to note that nearly four years ago, I wronged him. And I know he suffered because it. No, he didn’t directly tell me about it, but I am positive I destroyed him. And secretly, as my life nears its end, I have been looking for reconciliation.

Thus, I was at the proverbial crossroad: the moment of choice. The moment came watching the New England Patriots game. There was no heavenly light, not Christmas angel. It was an innocuous quote from one of the Batman Forever (Val Kilmer) movies:

… I’m both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now, because I choose to be.”

I am a Buddhist. And as a Buddhist, I get to decide who I choose to be. I could choose to be in love. Or I could choose to be in hate. And at that moment, I knew that all I wanted to do was simply love this man – a man who had given me my professional life and who had taught me so much about who I wanted to be.  And before I die, if possible, I wanted to close this pain and forge whatever time together as friends.

Whatever religion you are, as Christians, Buddhists, Atheists, Islamist, etc., we can choose to be humane and live in love.

Choose who you wish to be.

~ In Love, The Unknown Buddhist ~

Perform Small Things with Great Acts of Love

john-f-kennedy-portrait-photo-1Sitting in a small tea shop in northern Vermont, the late autumn rain drizzles across the window.  The warm fireplace buffers the cool air radiating across the small table.  For such a day, there appears little reflection of the events from 50 years ago.  On November 22, 1963, a good man was assassinated. Mind you, John F. Kennedy was not a perfect man, but in many ways, his life was a terrarium of living that often mirrors who we are today.

Far from the great technology we live and breathe, Kennedy stressed education and inspired many people, especially youths, during his tenure as president; to help shape our country’s strength (in unity); to strive for the least of those able to protect themselves; to reach for those segregated from normal society and the forgotten. He was a knight who ultimately set for himself a quest. A quest I believe that reaches across the bounds of death today and grasps at our heart.

Tragedies loom large in our world. Yet if Kennedy were here today, we know and understand that Camelot never existed. But the people in it were always what we wanted — and needed. In truth, many of us play the great warrior. Yet, cutting back the onion of our lives, we are all physical wrecks. We have cancer, multiple sclerosis, we suffer from the loss of love and life. We drink too much, we live too little and we lost the faith in ourselves and of a nation.

If Ms. K. (the love of my life) were here with me today, I would simply paraphrase Edward Kennedy, “I recognize my own shortcomings, the faults and the conduct of my private life. I realize that I alone am responsible for them, and I am the one who must confront them. But I owe you more than an explanation, I owe you the recognition that I understand what you have meant in my life … and what you mean to me today.”

This is the involvement we all need, that personal point of connection where love transcends across the miles, through time, past and present. We are at a moment when leadership and intellect are desperately needed and how little vision for the future Americans have. We live in a generation of instant information and instant gratification where the challenges of living in unison are too often dismissed and lost by blind entitlement and “give-it-to-me-now” mentality.

What Kennedy would remind is that a whole host of Philippine people lost their families and livelihood a little over a week ago; several communities in the Midwest were destroyed by sudden and violent tornados; over 300 people dies alone this year; cancer still kills, people and families remain homeless; and children are abused daily.

Most of us will never be like Kennedy, Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa. But we can perform many small things with great acts of love. When we do this, Kennedy remains alive and we honor his life and love.

Night-and-Day-Vadim-RizovWhile watching the Korean film Night and Day, my life unfolded as a rosebud in the autumn sun.  At age 53, the petals are easier to pull apart and the heart opens for reflection. Those who travel like Night and Day’s central character (Sung-nam Kim) do not purposely seek the soul’s appeasement simply by experience. Rather, we are trying to find something. We drift from day to day, hanging out and meeting others, pretending to know each other—but really don’t, only to become part of a larger story.

Unquestionably, Night and Day searches for love. In practice, I have more things than most will ever have.  Yet, when I look upon a poor man walking through door of his home after a hard day’s work, I realize I have nothing.  Like me, the movie’s characters lack the inherent ability to plug into a greater source of love that others who surround them seemingly tap each and every day.  Feeling limited, unfulfilled, and unable to move beyond the measure of soft covers during a cool night.

Unlike that poor man rich in love, the burning question in mind was not that they didn’t love; they just aren’t sure what real love is. Thus, there’s an eerie feeling in Night and Day similar to that of my own life—that after the trip, many whom I’ve just encountered become amazingly disposable and replaceable – lost in-between fleeting moments of time. Like so many, we too continually struggle to find real meaning in everyday life.

Looking closely at the movie’s theme, all of us will experience ‘drifting at sea.’ During times of great loneliness, I felt an inexplicable heaviness inside my chest and long for the love of my life. While short, I longed for something greater, something more important than just me. To feel purpose, to feel heart and the warmth of agape love. Reflecting upon those days, the work of my hands was somehow intrinsically connected to another’s heart. Just like film’s protagonist, Sung-nam Kim, I fondly empathize with Scarlett Johansson’s character in Lost in Translation, where I too have gazed out the hotel window, contemplating, adding this, subtracting that, figuring it out, and questioning all.

The message of movies like Night and Day and Lost in Translation is that when we find our true passion, it comes from within. Where God or Buddha is for you; both are likely to be found only through the doorway to the inner soul. For me the true path and illumination came through a two-month love, which remains forever impossible to replicate. I felt alive, free; full of the life and love that God so wanted humans to experience.

Some will find Night and Day a comedic film, more of life’s deception and people running from responsibility. And that may be true. Still on a deeper level, watching characters personally struggle for connection and love in a foreign land only reinforces my own belief in the positive aspect of Buddhism’s compassion – that we must always be involved the moral care for others, just as the positive aspect of love does in Christianity.

So for all of us, find that which I cannot. Transcend life. Taste that which redefines the senses and dominates the mind and heart.

Kan: By knowing when we truly love, it is never lost. It is only after degolf_sunset-1366x768ath that the depth of the bond is truly felt. And our loved one becomes more a part of us then was possible in life.
KCC: Are we only able to feel this toward those whom we have known and loved a long time?
Kan: Sometimes, a stranger known to us for moments can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.
KCC: How can strangers take on such importance to our souls?
Kan: Because our soul does not keep time. It merely records growth.

~~ Kung Fu~~

The golf driving range is an interesting place to learn the art of love. Swinging golf clubs, hitting practice balls and tuning one’s swing is seldom, if at all, considered a labor of love. When thinking of golf, I often refer to the Buddhist phrase, “sonomama” or simply see things as they are. Whether one has a good score or bad score, you have to accept the result of your game as your own karma. It is what it is and one can’t blame anyone other than yourself.

Life works in much the same way. The Buddhist descriptions of difficulties and sufferings in our lives are just like sand traps and rough greens on the golf course. We try to avoid and escape from these difficulties in our lives. However, we really can’t escape from them. We have to just accept and live with difficulty and suffering as part of our life. We must accept our life as it is.

However, similar to life, when true love finds our life, our ability to avoid and escape obstacles is significantly enhanced.  Truthfully, the love found within the beauty of the golf swing is similar to Buddhism, Christian faith and many other religions. Love is universal and comes from the same source. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul beautifully illustrates love’s essential qualities’:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

If you’re patient, the level of golf and love will increase. If you’re not proud, your level of golf will expand. If you keep a list of no wrongs, your life and love will greatly enhance all whom you touch. If you protect and trust, your life will become fulfilled, both on and off the course.

Most of us try to force love, as if the deep spiritual connection can be fabricated. But if we stop our construction and creation, love becomes significantly easier. And in this acceptance, you will be surprised how many events of life become whole and simplistic.

All living creatures need nourishment. And with love, the body learns to sustain in ways that all may live. We can try to force our way into love, but the results are too restricting. Similarly, the same is true on a golf course. One can try to force our swing, but more often than not, we struggle against nature’s spirit and we fail miserably in our result.

There was a wonderful letter written by the character June Ellis, in The Doctor:

There was a farmer who had a lot of fields, and he kept all of the birds and creatures away from his crops with traps and fences. He was very successful… but he was very lonely. So, one day, he stood in the middle of his fields to welcome the animals. He stayed there from dawn to dusk, with his arms outstretched, calling to them. But, not a single animal came. Not a single creature appeared. They were terrified, you see, of the farmer’s new Scarecrow… just let down your arms, and we’ll all come to you.

People … real love is patient and kind. Stop trying so hard. Let your arms down. Love someone and spark a kinship destined for eternity.