Three days after my 60th birthday, some whiz-bang young doctor will put a surgical knife to hand and slice open my neck. If everything proceeds as planned, a large portion of this tumor will pop out, and I will get up and march on in life.
I circled the date on the magnetic calendar, gripping my refrigerator. I don’t use calendars. The last time I used a calendar was when Franklin Covey and Planner was still jointly operated. Franklin Planner was sold to a private equity firm versus FranklinCovey (consulting, speaking, books, and whatever).
There are other planners. I saw one series of planners that will assist you in I quote, “crushing your goals and fulfilling your dreams via high intense focus.” Part of me wants to ask if this ‘crushing‘ includes getting off the operating table? And, should I crush that, would any other goal compare?
Above my calendar was my wheelchair receipt, purchased 18 months ago. I bought the wheelchair prediagnosis when my body hurt, felt exhausted, and long walks created hours of lingering pain. It was an unrecognized omen of life in 2019.
There’s a resigning revelation that I might not die, at least not in two years. That statement is not a positive affirmation of life. Instead, I realize that as this disease permeates my body, I may become dependent upon that wheelchair. Hell, I can barely move without pain by week’s end — as fatigue, aching bones, roiling bowels, and screaming joints collide each Friday. Therefore, the surgery may be a success, but I remain imprisoned by a failing body, left to navigate the world via a Forcemech Voyager R2 wheelchair. And finally, unable to navigate at all.
I remember the joy of waking on a weekend morning, having the promise of the day before me. Now, hopefulness is somewhat subdued. Even ‘rest’ eludes me, for ‘rest ‘is for the living, not for me.
I realize I must leave my current job. Unquestionably, it’s time. It’s dull, annoying as hell, and full of hourly-to-hourly political battles. My case manager keeps asking if I have a clear vision of a life that was more easeful, more balanced, and more light-hearted than the one currently being lived. At the moment, I am unsure.
From the depths of my being, I believe my back and body damage was caused by ignoring my inner soul and silencing the call of my heart. I now realize I must find that call. We all should.