It’s Hard Out There for a Claus

4303222_f520There are big problems in the North Pole. As Santa nears another legendary flight, he’s been seen reviewing the mounds of litigation from last year.

Last year Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen filed royalty fees lawsuits against Rudolph. Being notebly mentioned in ‘Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer,’ for several decades, neither has received royalties from their ‘use or likeness.’ The suit further notes that without the others, Rudolph couldn’t make it down the street let alone pull an overweight fat man navigating a crate.

Elf Union Local 504 is in disarray. Union leader Sven was caught trying to hijack Cupid and visiting non-union elves in China. Some suggested Sven was trying to cut a deal to redirect work to lower wage income areas while others stated Santa was looking to relocate toy factory operations to China or Iceland for potential tax savings (i.e, avoidance).  The U.S. Congress House Ways and Means Committee made repeated attempts to subpoena Santa, but committee members couldn’t locate a process server willing to hike, forage and snowshoe into the North Pole.

In the meantime, Elves filed suit accusing Santa Incorporated of failing to pay overtime and illegally deducting wages from paychecks. While Santa has not admitted any fault, he promised millions to as many as 800 workers for decades of past service. Under the terms of the agreement, Suey Sommore, a lawyer representing the Elves said she couldn’t speak specifically of the case. However, Elf Gwen noted, “We’re pleased with what we set out to do  – namely, to ensure Santa, Inc. has the right leadership to lead the company for long-term success.”

Pressing matters also come from afar.

Eight year old Emmett Jason of Mayberry requested emergency injunctive relief against Santa’s use of ‘Naughty‘ or ‘Nice‘ list, stating Santa’s ‘Naughty‘ or ‘Nice‘ list process is not clearly defined, nor is there third-party oversight or arbiter availability. Jason requests Santa provide clients with a detailed roadmap to ensure on-going regulatory compliance and to mitigate enterprise, operational and reputational risk associated with internal subjective services.

In a fiery statement, the Guardians of Peace (North Korea) warned of strikes against Santa, the North Pole and “the whole US mainland” should Santa distribute any bootleg copy of the film ‘The Interview,’ a film featuring the fictional killing of leader Kim Jong-un. Unbeknownst to many, North Korea has a long history of issuing threats against Santa. And the latest statement comes days after the US formally accused the North of orchestrating a massive cyber-attack on Sony Pictures.

The army and people of the DPRK [North Korea] are fully ready to stand in confrontation with Santa, in all spaces, including air and cyber warfare space … once we figure out how to restore Internet service.”

Threats have come from within the United States as well.

Elmud D. Jenkins of Lostlow is “‘purr-par’n a hunt’n” party. Last year, Elmud claimed to all at the ‘Too Drunk Saloon’ that he nicked Vixen’s rear-end during a Christmas Eve hunt. In the aftermath, Elmud had accidentally shot Mrs. Jenkins, his 1982 Dodge pickup, his favorite dog and the neighbor’s satellite dish. Much to Elmud’s dismay, Santa then performed a fly-by, as Comet crapped upon his trailer. Thus, having been the butt-end of jokes year-round, Elmud’s seeking revenge.

Additionally, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency filed a ‘Cease and Desist Order’ against Santa for failing to comply with proper waste handling operations, a lack of inspection reports, improper handling, and ultimate disposal of reindeer waste. This is in response to a complaint filed by Mr. and Mrs. Sheikstram of Bitterkimbles Island. The Sheikstram’s were fast asleep last Christmas Eve when they allege Blitzen dropped frozen excrement at 1100 feet. Mr. Sheikstram further claims Blitzen’s “brown ice” fell with such a force that part tore through roof while another smashed the BMW. While no U.S. official could clearly link the deposit to Blitzen, the EPA felt Santa needed to develop fluid-free alternatives and establish proper disposal procedures.

So, if you think your Christmas is bad…rest and relax. Remember, it’s hard out there for a Claus.

Happy Holidays



Categories: Life Lessons

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2 replies

  1. Clever satire. Enjoyed the read.

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