The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas brings mixed emotions. On the one hand, I adore the holiday lights, people seemingly enjoying the spirit of life, giving thanks, gifts and mutual love. On the other hand, when you’ve been told to shut up, don’t say, don’t laugh, but praise God, then I forever remember endless years of searching for the former … but in the end left empty, drained and unforgiven. The latter, has been my life for the past twelve (12) years.
If any one quote from the ‘Scrooge‘ fits my life it would be the Ghost of Jacob Marley:
“I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it, link by link and yard by yard, while on Earth, and now I will never be rid of it …”
True to the statement, I do wear the chain I forged in life. And damn it’s long, heavy steel weighs upon my soul that I barely breathe, often drowning in my own sins. My skin is burned from indentation, as if I slowly tattooed my soul over the course of thirty years. Thus, as I near my own death, I see hell’s angels cheering of my demise and God’s angels turned in abhor of my sight.
Again, I walk alone in a sea of many. Nothing near, a child hiding from hurt of others, hoping someday an angel of love would find me. Hiding within me, the bone chilling cold buffets the skin and I shudder against the world’s isolation. Icicles adhere to my beard, drips amongst perspiration from each breath.
Having lived among bitter, small-minded people my inner soul fills with rage at perfectness of God. Over the course of many years, I have been told not enjoy Christmas, not joke and laugh; to be told to forgive, but witness how many don’t; to yearn for the love of your life, but never to experience it … ever again.
Knowing that God has abandoned me, I can only refer to Johnny Cash:
“I learn from my mistakes. It’s a very painful way to learn, but without pain, the old saying is, there’s no gain. I found that to be true in my life. You miss a lot of opportunities by making mistakes, but that’s part of it: knowing that you’re not shut out forever and there’s a goal you can reach.”
In the ‘Scrooge,’ The Ghost of Christmas Present said:
“There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you’re not here any more.”
In truth, I hate repeating insanity, repeating the same process year after year and expecting a different result. While I am not suicidal, I do in truth, feel much like George Bailey in that maybe this world will be better off without me.
I only wish God allows my heart to silently stop as I sleep and dream of something better.