So in a world where every issue is now a bonafide problem, the medical world has finally tagged my musical ability: amusic. Accordingly, being amusic means I lack musical ability; I cannot distinguish pitch or create different sounds.  God … that sounds so much better than simply saying I suck.

Fortunately, I have never claimed Triskaidekaphobia, having (a fear of Friday the 13th), but I do believe a Capgras’ syndrome because there are a few close family members that have been replaced by an identical looking imposter. Ironically, some say that President Obama, based upon his electoral run and subsequent presidency has been replaced. (Sadly, there are people who actually believe that.)

But over the years, I have experienced on and off symptoms. For instance, instead of drinking too much and waking up numb, I now can classify myself as having Saturday Night Palsy. Unfortunately, when that wears off, my uncontrollable craving for alcohol (Dipsomania) leapt to the forefront only to cause Witzelsucht, making me make bad puns and jokes at inappropriate moments. Lastly, to stave my off Basophobia, an extreme fear of falling down, I simply laid on the floor. But I was never drunk mind-you.

Over the years, some would have said my ex-wife suffered from Proctalgia Fugax, a pain in the arse. But then again, she claimed to be seasonably affected. Too bad it was by every season.

In the end. to deal with my issues, I decided to join a support group. My first meeting went like this:

Doctor: “What is three times three?”
Person 1: 274
The Doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
Person 2: “Tuesday,”
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
Person 3: “Nine”
Doctor: “That’s great! How did you get that?”
Person 3: “Simple just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

Sigh …