“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

~ Buddha ~

I watched and incredibly Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. In essence, the film’s main character learns about facing his fears, such as those of public overcoming public transport, bridges and of himself.

When I think of the movie, I think of the search. During my travel last week, I found an old diary entry on my computer written in 2005. Seems like a century ago.

“Like a chameleon, I reside in and out of the space I sit. Compelled by others who ask me to negotiate where the background leaves off and the life begins, I am continually in motion, both in surface and in symbol. I disappear around the background, shifting myself into the hue, gracefully moving from one person’s realm to another. My real self is hidden. And since I not allowed calling myself into being, I play bit parts of a larger movie, being all things to all people, but never being able to be myself.”

There has always been a part of myself that continually searches. I suppose like many of you out there, I still find it extremely difficult to be ‘me.’ The real me is not what people want. Others often look for an want the ‘me’ who carries the burden, the friend who is always there. The one for support, but the one not wanted for otherwise. Simply put, maybe it’s just me … could be just my own inner thoughts.

I am sorry to say that as I completed my walking meditation last night, I was not much of a conversationalist to God. The early spring rain is here and each step reinforced the pain of my age. On some days, my body hurts, my mind hurts and my spirit hurts.

Still, I am alive in the Buddha and there is so much to be done to purify myself and to set my house in order. And while I have done many wonderful things, I wasted so much of His plan and wonder how I could possibly account for my actions. I was richly blessed, yet two years ago I stood spiritually destitute. I was given the greatest form of Love ever imagined, had it in my hands. Yet I cast her away, I tossed love’s richness like yesterday’s news … away … away through my own personal thoughtlessness and selfishness. Those were the hard years, where shame’s burden weighed heavily and compounded.

Through it all, my life continues to purpose; even this arthritic pain has purpose. My life is anew. Enlightenment has allowed me to see. Maybe it was the kiln. Maybe it was the trial. Maybe both! Still, I arise every morning, blessed in some strange way that I can assist, if not myself, maybe another. I am live anew, with purpose. The flame hidden deep within me is not a fire, but a torch. It’s still lit and the Prajñāpāramitā Hṛdaya has allowed me to burn anew.

Oh Buddha, I am grateful to have discovered my world! And now? Well now I will give all my heart to it.